The Problem with Dating Shows in South Africa
Topics about dating in South Africa contain a lot of cynicism. At best, you’ll be met with discussions about a lack in your dating pool, dating setbacks during the lockdown, or worries about where to meet people. At worst, your conversations express significant concern about gender-based violence, unemployment, discrimination in dating circles or dating while dealing with HIV/AIDS and other sexual health problems in South Africa.
Unfortunately, while some people in more privileged countries merely have to worry about being presentable dates, anxieties that surround South African singletons are enough to make you throw the baby out with the water. In fact, a Stats SA General Household survey (2019), showed that 96.5% of males aged between 18-34 were single, while 89.6% of females in that age group were single. Approximately half of all males and females in the country are single, according to the 2019 survey.
Though the reality of the dating scene and romance in the country looks dismal, reality dating television shows are the upbeat, humorous and fun way for South Africans to vicariously engage with the thrills of courtship. But what do these reality shows say about us?
Mzansi Magic’s Date My Family (DMF) boasted 1.79 million viewers, according to an article in 2020. While the plot is simple, (one contestant goes on dates with the family members of three candidates and chooses a winner based on how the dates go) its entertainment factor is also clear: unlike the sophisticated acting in highly-stylised romance films or manufactured social media posts by celebs and others, the average Joe’s love life is full of awkwardness, vulnerability, rejection and total embarrassment.
Shows like DMF, or even Moja Love’s Single and Mingle, make spectacles of its contestants for viewers by accentuating the awkward and embarrassing as opposed to shows like The Bachelor/Bachelorette which mostly encourage fairytale-like romance. The humour in DMF is clearly intentional considering the show’s comical theme song, the comedic and snarky remarks from the commentator, the shady cameramen/women zooming in on the contestant’s outfits and, of course, the funny conversations between contestants and the families.
There’s an obvious shock factor in this latter humour that’s sometimes sensational and at other times offensive. Consider, Siphiwe, who told his date Mimi that he liked her because she wasn’t ‘too successful’ and that successful women were too bossy, or when Kabelo made his date uncomfortable by fetishising her. Like in many reality television shows, these elements of shock and scandal are just the kinds of things that keep viewers drawn in and entertained.
With that said, it’s really important to consider how reality dating shows might have the effect of cheapening our regard for relationships. Of course, reality dating shows have always been more about making bank than they have been about displaying proper dating etiquette or quality relationships.
In fact, one can’t help but notice that contestants of the Date My Family show often accept the offer of a second date even when the date looks awkward, uncomfortable or seems like a clear mismatch from the viewers’ perspective. Whether that’s because it’s part of the script or because contestants want to avoid embarrassing their dates, it’s easy to feel like our TV show singletons are settling.
In a country like South Africa (or anywhere really), the costs of settling are no joke. With poverty as the primary source of a plethora of social ills and with the ever-increasing instability of our economy, strong partnerships and families act as the most important social institutions that provide physical, social, and economic development to people.
Settling happens when we’re at our most fearful, insecure and uncertain and has the potential to initiate plenty of bad choices. On top of that, settling has generational consequences that cost you your childrens’ well-being and can set an example of what love should look like. Because we never really know what becomes of the contestants and their TV-born relationships, it’s hard to assume they’re settling.
Even so, there’s something to be said about watching a contestant endure an awful date only to agree to or entertain the idea of a second date. Many of us know people who entered into relationships with individuals who are only interested in their money or people who deal with abuse for years and still continue to settle with that partner. In a country where family structures are broken or dysfunctional, is it too much to ask for an upgrade or at least variety in our TV dating shows? At the risk of sounding too ‘woke’, is it possible to enhance or add dating shows with talks on sexual health, body positivity or dating while unemployed instead of always creating humour around issues like body-shaming, classism or misogyny?
It doesn’t really help that instead of discouraging that behaviour, we see more jokes about these conversations under Date My Family hashtags online. It seems that, while we expect public figures to be cancelled for bad behaviour, we accept such behaviour in our real lives, through TV shows that makes fun, albeit in a lighthearted fashion, of dating in our own lives.