Consent Isn’t Just Saying “No”, It Comes in Many Other Different Forms
Social media has been hot with discussions surrounding consent as a concept as well as the misconceptions around it. While these conversations have been a continual subject of discussion, what with South Africa facing the specter of Gender-Based Violence (GBV), the conversations have found new life after the latest airing of SABC1’s telenovela Skeem Saam, which involved the rape case between Toby and Ntswaki.
Consent is saying “no”, and verbally expressing the change or heart. It is turning away when being kissed, and having the gesture honoured with retreat even when the one revoking initiated the act or consented to it initially. Consent is about putting it forward that one is abstaining and that no form of coercion is allowed. Consent comes in many shapes and forms, but simply put, it is one’s ability, whether man or woman, to say no with their body.
A repost from @Amantle_Mafoko_ expressing herself on the events of Skeem Saam as it relates to educating the public about consent.
Consent Can Be Revoked
The greatest misconception on consent is that, for those who don’t fully appreciate it, once it has been verbally given, then that’s that and every act that follows after it cannot be overwritten. Consent, at the heart of it, is about exercising agency over one’s body. For most, sex is more than just a way to have fun and explore love, it’s a spiritual experience, an emotional bonding agent, and the surrendering of the body. Whether it means something significant or not, consent is about control – and that can be revoked at any given point in time. And that leads to the next point.
Strangers Aren’t the Only Ones that Can Violate Consent
One of the biggest talking points is that how can rape be rape when one is one’s husband or wife or significant other. There are many cues one can follow, such as not being as engaged in the act of sex, pushing away, or any other body language that suggests that the partner could rather be anywhere else and doing something else.
Yes, he or she might not tell their partner to stop and that things have gotten uncomfortable, and there’s usually an underlying reason for that. Perhaps, he or she might be afraid that the love will be lost if there’s no intimacy. Another reason might be that the partner is a dependent and fears not being provided for or taken care of lest they say no. Other more inconspicuous reasons include the fear of abandonment, rejection, and alienation. And such instances happen in the context of romantic relationships and marriages.
Where a man or a woman has no ability to say no, either from fear or external compulsion, there is no ability to exercise consent.
Consent Isn’t Just For Women
Society has been conditioned, along with boys and men alike, that rape is something that can only be perpetrated by boys and men, and never against them. This is no surprise considering the popular sexist isms such as a woman being referred to as “used goods” after sex or the “taking of virginity” after a man has sex with or has raped a woman who’s never had sex. But that in itself is a danger to the understanding of consent because it’s a lost opportunity to make everyone aware, the men and boys particularly, what consent really is.
It can be argued that men don’t care about consent because they don’t care about it or simply because they don’t understand it since it’s a matter of control and the patriarchal standards doesn’t afford boys to learn what consent is. That this is a man’s world and everything can be taken as long as they have the power to get what they want. It is precisely why boys and men continue getting ridiculed and mocked whenever they come out with the tragedy of having suffered a rape.
Men can say “no”, as well and not feel ashamed or less of a man for not wanting to engage in the sex or to have anything done to their body.
When consent is a talking point, it is vital to listen and stay informed by opening oneself to information that might challenge one’s stolid worldview. This is especially important because of the sensitivity of the matter as well as maintaining respect for those who might’ve been violated because they could not exercise their right to consent for one reason or another.
What about you? Have you been learning some new things on the matter via the buzz on social media?