THE WIFE: A journey into the psyche of the woman in an abusive relationship

In a heart wrenching and triggering scene , episode 30 of The Wife featured Mqhele brutally beating his wife, Hlomu. Mqhele, brought to life on our screens by the striking and mysteriously charismatic Bonko Khoza along with Hlomu played by the captivatingly beautiful Mbalenhle Mavimbela share an onscreen chemistry that would make even Alessandro Volta envious. They are clearly two people madly in love with each other however this is no Disneyland love story and Mqhele is no Prince Charming.

His character is a lot more complex and has a lot more depth and through his relationship with Hlomu we’re able to see Mqhele for more than just the stereotypical violent Zulu in the taxi industry. Very often, when the question of domestic violence comes up, the solutions put forward are: Why doesn’t she open a case? Why doesn’t she leave him? But Hlomu’s story is perhaps taking us on a journey where we begin to understand and empathize with the violent Mqhele. It is very tempting to simply dismiss Mqhele as just this violent no good man who does not deserve Hlomu. Perhaps that may also be fair comment, he is an adult after all .

However, Hlomu and by extension the viewer, understands the depth and complexity of Mqhele’s character. As much as all available adjectives for an abusive man may befit him for what Hlomu sees in him is also a true description. He really is a loving, romantic and sweet man who is very much in love with and cares for Hlomu. 

The real life person is that complex, it is never simply black and white. In Hlomu’s eyes at this point in the story, Mqhele is a man who witnessed his mother’s throat being brutally slit by an uncompromising and angry mob. 

He is a man who grew up in an environment where violence was the only tool for survival, it is in fact a miracle that he is now an adult that still has such a soft, loving, and humane side to him growing up in an environment that could only dehumanize him. Hlomu sees Mqhele for what he is, a man with a traumatic past that needs therapy and because of the love she has for him, simply leaving him when his ugly side emerges is not a simple decision. 

Because there is always that little voice in her head urging her to stay a little longer because he “loves” her, that he needs her help and typical of many women who are in love, her maternal instincts kick in and she makes excuses for him the same way a mother would excuse her mischievous son. Perhaps just calling it a woman’s maternal instincts is also too simplistic of a view. From early childhood women are socialized to be the enduring, supportive and nurturing women that looks out for everyone. 

This is often to the benefit of society in general however in these specific cases, this act of being socialized to be the nurturing women becomes their undoing. Mqhele’s character opens up the discussion of the black men’s attitudes towards mental health and getting help to deal with those traumas. 

His dismissiveness to Hlomu’s suggestion of seeing a mental health professional to talk about his past is typical of many black men in South Africa. In this instance we see how patriarchy is bad for men too. It is detrimental to men in the sense that it demonizes being expressive and opening up emotionally and thus even the thought of therapy is viewed as an assault on their masculinity. Patriarchy imprisons both the man and the woman. In most parts, growing up in black communities is a traumatic experience that is psychologically damaging and it is a miracle that black people in South Africa are able to reach adulthood still clinging onto what’s left of their humanity.

To highlight Mqhele’s traumatic background is in no way an attempt to sanitize his abusive tendencies but it is to highlight how Hlomu’s story helps delve into the mind of women who choose to stay, they are able to see the beauty beyond the beast and that is often why they cling onto hope, hope that he can change and be a better man, hopes that he really will never do it again. There can be no true despair without hope, in such abusive relationships in the South African context we know all to well that it is the hope that kills you.